my hair is attacking small children

Okay, my hair grows. But not like normal hair grows, it grows fast and becomes very agitated when confronted by small humans, children mainly but the occasional little person may get in it’s way as well. While I find it funny to a degree my biggest issue is that I’ll cut my hair (have done it myself for years, why pay someone else to now) and it’ll look good a few days later, but for only a couple of days before it again becomes unmanageable. Thank goodness my wife has a license to get us products from State Beauty (apparently you can’t just walk in off the streets to get stuff from this place) or I would have to settle for whatever the local grocery stores offer to keep this monster at bay. If I could freeze-frame that day where I achieve “Perfect Hair Forever” and not allow it to grow, that’d be great. Just a rant, nothing more/less. I suppose one solace is that I don’t grow much hair in other parts of my body, I mean, I could look like a gorilla with my follicle madness, and I don’t dig on the whole simian look.